Tips for talking with your parents about the future

When you were a child, you probably didn’t realize how much the lives of your parents revolved around your wants and needs. From the type of birthday cake you wanted to the college you hoped to attend, your wishes affected the way your parents planned for both the short and long term.

As your parents age, you may find yourself helping with their wants and needs. It could be something as simple as accompanying them to doctor’s appointments or something more complex, like helping them with their retirement strategy and investments or making long-term care arrangements. And, the time may come when you need to make financial decisions through power of attorney, make medical decisions while serving as their health care proxy, or even carry out the provisions of their wills.

It’s a role reversal that can be uncomfortable for you and your parents to think about—and even more so to talk about. Nevertheless, knowing their wishes and planning ahead for them can help make those stressful times a bit easier. Try following these tips to discuss the future with your parents.

• Choose a messenger. Even if you mean well, your effort may feel more like an intervention than a conversation if you and your siblings band together to approach your parents. Instead, choose one sibling with financial expertise or a particularly good relationship with your parents to act as the messenger.
• Timing is everything. You may think there’s no good time to bring up the future, but there is: It’s before your family has an emergency. The goal is to make sure that everyone is prepared and knows what to do if something unexpected should happen.
• Find your icebreaker. If you’re struggling to find an “in” to the conversation, consider asking your parents for advice about your own retirement planning or estate planning. Share your own concerns or questions, and then ask how they’ve handled theirs. Other approaches include taking advantage of an offhand reference by your parents about their 401(k) or bringing up a news story about retirement lifestyles.
• Know what to ask. Think about your primary concerns for your parents. Do you worry whether your parents have saved enough to retire? Start by talking about their retirement income plan. Are you noticing your parents’ health decline? Ask them if they have a long-term care insurance policy to cover assisted living expenses, should it come to that. 
  Over time, though, you’ll want to cover the following questions—and know where to find any documentation, in case you need it.
  • Do you have a will, and is it current?
  • Have you documented advanced directives, such as your living will and your health care proxy?
  • Have you designated someone with power of attorney?
  • Are your beneficiaries up to date?
  • What insurance do you have?
  • How do you envision your memorial service?
  • Are you an organ donor?
• Explain your reasons. These topics can be very sensitive, so be sure to share your reasons for asking. Being reminded of their mortality could make your parents feel defensive, and a simple statement about your motivation could go a long way to alleviate that. Search for words that show your interest is motivated by their welfare. For example, you might say something like, “Mom and Dad, I’ve been thinking. I want to be sure that if certain life events come up, I know clearly what your plans and wishes would be so I can make those happen.” You’ll have a sense of what might work best with your parents.

Keep in mind, you may need to have several short conversations over weeks or even months before your parents feel ready to open up. As uncomfortable as these discussions may be, though, all of you may feel better knowing that you have a shared understanding of their wishes.

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