Discussing your financial future with family

If you’re having trouble talking to your family about your will, you’re not alone. Many people don’t know when or how to talk to their family about finances or their financial future. Since discussing these sensitive topics with your family can be emotional, it’s even important to sit down together now… so you can you make informed decisions, instead of reacting when it’s too late. Here are three tips that can help you have this important conversation.

1. Get talking now

Though it’s tempting to hold off for as long as possible, the sooner you start talking about your wishes, the greater your chances of being able to resolve potential issues. If you don’t feel comfortable diving right into a conversation about the future of your estate, ease into it by discussing retirement in general or related topics.

Schedule a special time to talk about your will, ideally away from the pressures and distractions of work and home. Maybe it’s an agenda item on a family vacation or addressed at a family meeting one weekend. Know in advance that the goal shouldn’t be mutual agreement but to start to gain the trust and understanding for making important decisions without causing others to feel they don’t have a voice.

2. Make it more than a discussion

Take this opportunity to bond, create family intimacy, and build a foundation for future discussions. Strive for three goals during your conversation:

• Reach a shared understanding. It’s difficult to hold a conversation with someone who is uninterested or disengaged. Be sure to ask questions to understand your family’s perspectives—and really listen to the answers. What you learn will provide insight that can help you make estate-planning decisions. And when you show that your family’s ideas and reactions are important, they may accept your decisions more readily.
• Acknowledge that emotion comes with the territory. Instead of attempting to pull emotion out of what is undoubtedly an emotionally charged subject, be aware of what people are feeling during the discussion. Your tone of voice, for example, can have an impact on how others react to what you say, and vice-versa. So instead of immediately reacting to something someone else says, consider why you feel the way you do before responding—and respect what your family members are feeling as well. Consider processing your thoughts and feelings out loud to help others understand your perspective. Finally, as a general rule, try to avoid absolute language (e.g., always, never) that might not leave room for a dialogue.
• Treat each other with respect. Although you may ultimately be making the decisions about your estate, these discussions should foster a sense of respect, engagement, and belongingness. Your family should leave the conversation knowing they had an appropriate voice, were part of the group, and were considered in the outcome. To help accomplish that, take any negatives you see about your family members (e.g., she’s greedy) and try to understand why you may think that and what that person needs. The other side of that coin—and perhaps the most difficult task of all—is to avoid taking personally what others say. By choosing not to pass judgment or assume others are doing so about you, you can keep a positive spin on the discussion. 

3. Keep what matters in mind

Building this “relationship capital”—the trust, rapport, and mutual respect that allows families to talk about anything—won’t happen overnight. But when you apply these guidelines, your family communications become an opportunity to resolve concerns affecting multiple generations and inspire a collective investment in the most important asset of all – your family.

Now that you’ve learned more about how to have a conversation about some sensitive financial topics with your family, make sure that the estate plan you’re putting together is complete. Read Protect those you love with estate planning to learn what to include in your estate plan and how to get started.

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